late have i loved

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

Today is the Feast of Saint Augustine of Hippo, one of the most famous sinner-turned-saints. Saint Augustine struggled greatly with lust and partying, rejecting the Catholic Church in his youth and young-adulthood and later returning to the Truth at 33 years old. 

“Late have I loved you…”

Oh, the truth in this statement. How late have we loved our Lord. I developed a strong prayer life at around 17 years old. However, sometimes I forget that God didn’t just start loving or knowing me a year ago. When I was a toddler, throwing a fit because I didn’t want to go to school, the Lord was there. The Lord delighted in who I was, but at the time I couldn’t have cared less. When I was in middle school, crying over the boy I liked who didn’t like me back, the Lord was there. He held my heart in his hands, knowing fully well that I wouldn’t realize it was him who comforted me. When I entered high school and I turned to gossip, boys, and partying to attempt to fill the hole inside of me, the Lord knew me. He studied my heart. He cared–and as a true gentleman does, Jesus waited outside the door of my heart and knocked for 17 years. 

“You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you.”

How often we stay outside of who we really are. The concept of an infinite God is difficult for me to grasp, but what a happy thing–to be able to struggle with belief. To be given the freedom to struggle, love, and trust without limits. A common misconception I had about God is that once I found him, then he payed attention to me and then he loved me. But, no; the Lord has been watching me since the beginning.

I’m taking an Ethics course this semester, and my teacher mentioned that the Lord thinks us into existence. All of eternity he’s been thinking of me, and he never stops–not even for a split second. His gaze remains on my heart, and the heart of every individual, never tiring of his creation. I am unworthy. 

“I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.”

The celebration of the Eucharist is where all brokenness of every human heart is completely restored. I am in complete awe at how God dwells so humbly in the earth. From the glorious Heavens Jesus comes down to reunite himself with his bride, the Church. He invites us to taste and see; to touch and to know. In the moment I consume the Body of Christ, my heart is in complete ecstasy. Immense peace takes over my being and it is then that I can sense how deeply the Lord knows me. Oh, how close he wants to be with us. His intimacy and gentle love fulfill all of the deepest desires of the human heart. The Lord is humble and patient, and even though this is true, his love is feirce and unavoidable. He will never cease to chase the lost and pursue them relentlessly. 

Indescribable, uncontainable, 

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing God.

All powerful, untameable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God.

Incomparable, unchangeable

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same

You are amazing God.

Copyright 2016

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One thought on “late have i loved

  1. HANNAH i seriously cannot believe you! amazed … – ming ming (ps. im in religion class right now and we get to use chrome books and instead of doing my work …. i decided to take a break and read this blog entry of yours again. You are so intelligent hannah,, so indescribable. God probably looks at you with a grin on His face, thinking shes a good one. <– dont know if that actually happens just trying to get my point across. But you are going places. You have this gift and you need to (as Eric would say) take it and run with it. love you)

    Liked by 1 person

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